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Celebrating My 50th Birthday...
MedYoga Therapy, Meditation, Mindfulness, Sacred Dance, Crystal Sound Bowls, Energy Healing, Coaching & Counselling ...
Designed Specifically For Trauma, Abuse, Addictions, Anxiety, Mental Health, Suicidal Crisis, Nervous System Recovery & Spiritual Awakening.
Namaste Beautiful Soul, As I sit down to write this I already feel teary. Not because I am upset but because I am grateful from the core of my being. It's been quite a journey over these 50yrs to feel true authentic appreciation. As a student @The School Of Energy Healing (15yrs ago) approx 200 of us gathered in sacred circle around a fire. We held hands and were asked to step forwards one by one and share a few things we were grateful for. What should have been a beautiful experience had me quivering in my boots. Everyone looked radiant, shiny & ready to jump forwards. My mind was on fire, my heart blazing and tears started to flood down my face. I desperately tried to hide what was happening inside of me but everyone was noticing. I wanted to run & inside was screaming "fuck this!". I was caught in the middle of my good girl mask saying "just make something up that sounds nice" & my shadow saying "what a bunch of false bxxxxxxd's". I used every tool I could, slow deep breathing, expanding my awareness to the trees, chanting affirmations in my head but my trembling just got worse. By the time we were approaching me it was so obvious I was losing it, our teacher came & stood behind me. His energy holding my energy body. He whispered "It's okay to be different, be true". He'd read about my past & was fully aware of everything. The truth was I was scared. Really f.....g scared! I hadn't felt gratitude in my heart for years In fact I felt nothing in my heart (zilch!) Not love, not pain - just empty. Healing work had allowed me to walk through the numbness & into the next layers where there was wounding after wounding. Until I was able to stabilise & accept all this no light could shine through authentically. Being honest about an abortion I had when I was 18yrs old & how I felt about this, had already got me disliked by one of the students that lead to a stand off & her having to leave the course before she was tempted to punch me out. "Davinder, it's your turn to step forwards." Before I stepped forwards I raced around in my head..am I grateful for what everyone else was grateful for? Am I grateful for my mum? In. my head I heard "No she's a bloody schizophrenic that screwed you up". Dad? - "no he was a b.....d to you". I was scrambling to find something to be grateful for but words just weren't leaving my mouth. My teacher asked again "Davinder, what are you really grateful for?". In a soft voice, shaking & trembling I blurted out... "I am not grateful. I am not grateful for anything in my life. I don't feel grateful for anything about my fucking life!" Tears streamed down my face, I sobbed & sobbed and felt the tightness around my chest release, my breath felt deeper & I felt a massive sense of relief. I had given myself full permission in front of 200 people to be judged for what I felt in that moment... I noticed some faces horrified, some embarrassingly looking down, others I felt I could hear their "tut", some smiled that false "yogic" smile as if to say "bless you, you'll get there" & my school friend -with whom I spent many nights hanging out the window with fags stuck to our red lipstick...wink & smile. The beauty of arriving at 50 is the journey I have endured, enjoyed, hated, loved, feared, trusted, mistrusted etc is now a journey I don't try to control as I did then. If I'm on a roller coaster ride I don't try to make it a boat ride. If I'm on a hot air balloon, I won't try to make it a Ferrari. I have come to learn all of me & life is loveable. The Angel, the Shadow, Wholesome, Fragmented - are all equally loved and expressions of the Divine. The more I love all sides, the more I come to know myself as Divine. Today I feel blessed to have a beautiful relationship with my mum & dad. Many of you will never have known the journey you were playing in healing my childhood. Without you I wouldn't have made it to 50. Thank you for saving my life by passing through it. Never assume you don't matter as behind the curtains, you have no idea the impact you are making. Last year I announced to the Universe, my birthday wish... "May I become a full embodiment of divinity" My wish every year over the last 20yr's... "May I come back into my body so I can know how it feels to be here" Now I know Source does answer our prayers. I have never been more PRESENT than I am today. That is the gift my heart yearned for. "May We All Be Blessed & Fully Here".
Thank you so much for all the LOVE over the weekend. It truly added to boosting my cells with good juju.
To Your Awakening & Ascension! Davinder x
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